Neurologist Appt.

We saw the neurologist yesterday and I asked her about his head growth. I was concerned because on our previous appointment the pediatrician told me his head was not growing at the pace it should be. Well, the neurologist said this usually happens with children who have had traumatic brain injuries. I did ask if it was also an indicator of what he may or may not be able to do in the future (development). She said more than likely yes. The reason is because in the beginning his head was not growing steadily because of the trauma. SO, she says he will more than likely have some developmental issues. I feel really horrible. Well, I know it's not like I didn't think he is going to have issues. I know it's not going to be like my other boys and everything is fine. It is just hard hearing it and thinking about it. On a positive note, his head is still growing though. I am just trying to think...well it could be worse and could've stopped completely growing. Oh my gosh, I just pray it continues to grow. My head hurts and at this moment I feel like just crying in a little corner. With my other two boys (Isaiah & Isaac) I never even thought about head growth. You just basically go into the doctors office, have them do their stuff and basically say "wow he weighs more". Then you go on your merry way. With Joshua it is completely different. I go to the different specialists office and just hang on to every word that is said. Yes, I do believe doctors can be wrong and all things are possible through Christ. Joshua is my little baby and it hurts to hear things that may or may not happen in the future. I am so sad right now. He is such a sweet baby. Even when I feel horrible he does one little thing that will make me smile and I just hang on to that moment. It can be the little yawn coming out of his mouth, the little stretch I see him make, when he cries for no reason, when he sighs like he is extremely bored or exhausted, and when he gets really stiff when he is upset because he wants to be held.

Those of you with healthy children, be thankful and don't take things for granted. Don't complain about the little things but be grateful for them. It is a blessing that your child crawls and gets into everything. Thank God that your child babbles all night long. When it seems like a headache to force your child to take medicine be thankful you have that and your child can take things be mouth. I'm tired. I don't mean to preach and sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm just tired and it hurts to think that the things that people complain about are the things I am praying to have. Keep us in your prayers. I know this is just a moment I'm having and please forgive me if I've offended anyone. I just ask for you to please pray for his development.

On a good note, his infantile spasm are doing better and in two weeks we will have another EEG (records electrical activity of the brain) to see if things have improved such as seizures. I pray for the best.

Oh, I also found a little tooth growing! Joshua is getting his first tooth. Finally! It is so cute, it is a front tooth (ha ha). He such a little angel. Things like this make me smile. I love him so much.

BLESSED

Our car wash was very successful. We are still working on our raffle tickets and hopefully we will complete our goal of getting enough for a month of treatments (God willing maybe even for more down the road especially if it proves to show positive results). I want to thank everyone that helped out washing cars, those of you who sent people our way, and those of you who gave so generously. I also want to thank Eric Ortiz for making t-shirts for the guys to wear. I was so touched with the generosity of everyone who gave and took part. We are truly blessed to have the loving support from our family and friends.

I also wanted to share how a little girl named Lani touched my heart. She willingly gave out of her own money because she wanted to help. As I drove home I prayed, even through this little girl you show me your love. As I prayed, I felt as though God's loving arms were stretched out towards me and felt the warmth of his spirit. I truly believe God revels himself through different people and situations. I pray blessings upon everyone that has demonstrated God's love towards us.

Today we opened up an account to be used specifically for Joshua. I am so excited to be off to such a great start in our fundraising. I pray for God's glory to be shown through all of this. Already I have seen such a big impact Joshua has made in so many people's lives. It is incredible to know my little baby is being used tremendously by the Lord. I will say, this has not been an easy road. There were many times I would tell the Lord, "but why can't you choose someone else". Don't get me wrong, I'd never wish this on anyone. I guess cause while he was in the NICU some people would tell me, "wait and see the Lord is going to use Joshua in a mighty way". I know one day and some how it will all make sense. All I know right now is no matter how hard it gets, I will trust him. This doesn't mean I will always be ok with it....I imagine the Lord looking down on me with a smile cause only he knows our little one on one sessions (ha ha).

Outta There!!!!!!!!!!!

Joshua and I are at home!!! We are so happy to be back home. He was just discharged this afternoon. He is doing better and is still not getting fed as much as before. They will increase the volume in about two weeks. His infantile spasms also have decreased since starting a new medicine. The ones he is having now are very mild. So....now I have to get use to the new medicines he came home with. I hate having to give him so many!! His Neurologist wants to try to get him off of some of them, but she wants to give him time to recover from the surgery. We will see how that goes.

I made a correction on my last entry. The car wash is going to be on Doderidge and Staples. Just an FYI.

Keep praying for us, I pray this is only the beginning of what God has in store for Joshua. I know this is just merely a baby step towards Joshua's healing. I also would like to lift up in prayer Joshua's little friend Giuli. Please pray for the Lord's healing hand to be upon them. They have gone through so much already. I also want to pray for Giuli's parents. Lord give them strength in this very difficult time.

Staying Strong

Joshua did fine during surgery and is now completely awake. They waited a little over 6 hours to start feeding him. He is getting continuous feeds through his G-button and the amounts are very small. They are increasing it every four hours, slowly of course. Now we have to wait to see if the fundo works for him. If for some reason it doesn't, then they have to do the procedure all over again. I am so glad I didn't really get to see him on the ventilator and they didn't have a hard time taking it out. THANK YOU LORD! Just thinking about him on it made me begin to feel all those emotions I had when he was first born. I kept thinking it would be so hard to see him like that all over again and relive those moments of "not knowing". For those of you who have not heard of my ventilator story, about how the Lord heard my aggressive prayer and then miraculously removed it, I will tell later.

About the raffle, we have submitted our ticket order and are currently waiting. The prizes have changed a little bit. These are the prizes: 1st prize western Caribbean cruise for two/ 2nd prize $300 Lowe's gift certificate/ 3rd prize $200 computer pen with software/4th prize Motorola bluetooth ear set/ 5th prize $50 Two George's dinner gift certificate. I would like to thank our friends that have helped us out with donations and provided our prizes. Special Thanks to Comfort Travel Center, Endres Construction, Jarred Cassidy, Jesse Montez, and Two George's. I also want to thank Elida and Larry for the donated tickets. I appreciate our friends and family for all the support they have shown us through all of this. Another fundraiser going on right now is also being held by the Firefighter's Union. Danny Valdez brought our situation up to the Union which resulted in a raffle. They are raffling off gas cards. Thank you to our firefighters family for your efforts in helping Joshua. Also, Homer Sierra is putting together a car wash. So for all of you people that want your cars to be washed by a firefighter go to Walgreen's at Doderidge and Staples. It will be on May 31 around 11:00. I know there are so many more people I need to thank. Thank you all who are helping out with this! We really appreciate it. We love you guys and it means the world to us that you care for our Joshua.

I also appreciate those of you who leave comments on our blog, text message us, call, visit at the hospital, and have helped with our boys. It lifts my spirit to know you care. It also shows your thoughts and prayers are with us. Tony and I are also very lucky to have such wonderful parents. The BEST Parents in the world! They have helped out so much. It is so hard leaving our boys, but it helps to know they are always in loving hands. Thank you to our parents for being there for us in this very difficult time.

And The Waiting Begins

He is in surgery. They took him in at about 1:00PM. Gave him lots of kisses! I was fine until they took him. I am still nervous and scared. I do feel at peace though, weird huh?! I can't explain it. I told someone today, I know God has control and the plan. I just hope it is the plan I want (ha ha). Tears, tears, tears, but I know it's ok. I hate waiting....the waiting game.

How Much More???

Ok, Joshua had been doing fine. We were just waiting around for the day of surgery to get the fundo. Then out of no where he aspirates horribly. We could not get his breathing and heart rate under control. His heart rate was at about 207!! It was so scary for me to see him go under such distress. I found some way of keeping my composure and was doing ok for a while until it finally hit me. It hit me when a nurse complimented me on how "strong of a mother" I supposedly am. I know the only strength I have comes from the Lord because at times I don't feel as strong as others might see me. Anyway, they sent him to ICU and he is there right now. He is pretty calm right now. The doctors are really not sure if they should go on with the surgery because he sometimes has a difficult time with his breathing (I think because his throat is swollen from the aspiration). If he does well tonight and tomorrow morning, they will proceed with the surgery. They are planning on doing it in the morning around 7:30. Please pray for us and especially for him. I feel so anxious, scared, nervous, and worried all at the same time. I know God is in control, but I guess my earthly human emotions kick in (not to mention he is my little baby boy). OH!!!!!!!!my precious little baby boy, if only.....if only....I just wish I could take it all away. He has gone through so much. OK, so I am having a really hard time right now. Not my best moment. I know I gotta keep going. He is such a strong little baby. How much more can I handle. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle...but oh my gosh...how much more??????

Tonight I looked up at the night sky and see the trees blowing in the wind. I see the little park next door. I just think wow, the Lord is the creator of all this. He is in charge of all that is around me....Lord I just pray you are so great. How much more can you do for my little guy. What is ahead? The Plan? For What? My life will never be the same. If only people saw what we see in and out of the hospital. The lives that are changed forever because of tragic events that occur. Such love, compassion, and hope I have for these mothers, fathers, and children. My heart hurts tonight. I know there are other hurting much more and facing much more. I pray for those. I pray for the little girl and boy next to my dear little baby boy. Oh, how I tear up when I see those parents and the hurt I see in their eyes. WHY? How Much More??? If only people knew....Lord be with my baby and all those little ones. Your love is so GREAT. I know you are still there. At this moment, I cry out to you and feel hurt. Heal tonight.

Pressing On and Moving Forward...

Looks like we will be here at the hospital till the surgery and then for recovery. It feels like we have been here forever! It's been hard seeing my boys going from place to place. I miss them so much, it breaks my heart not being home with them. My husband Tony has been doing such a great job with everything. I am so proud of him for being such a great husband and father. We will be going on seven years of marriage now, God is awesome. Sometimes I feel as though we've gone through more things in those seven years of marriage than people who have been married twenty years. One thing is for sure, every obstacle that comes our way has brought us even closer to each other and to the Lord. I love him dearly.

Despite how sad I may feel at times with everything that is going on with Joshua, I know the Lord is still watching over my family. I'm not sure what others think, but I could never be angry at the Lord. I really can't explain it. I get angry at the situation but never at him. We live in this imperfect world and only the Lord knows why he allows things to happen the way they do. This is merely just another chapter of my life. Believe me, I know he is all knowing----I still let it all out with him. At the end of my time with the Lord I always end with thanking him for every little step towards progress I see. I could not do any of this without him. I have many moments when my heart aches for my little guy. I then just shake it off and know I need to keep pressing on and moving forward. Keep praying for strength upon my family.

As far as the raffle, we are moving forward with our plans. We finally have all the prizes and are ordering the tickets today. Hopefully it doesn't take long to get them printed and we will start distributing them. Let me know if you are interested in helping us sell them. I want to sell them as soon as we can because I'd like to take him for treatments before school starts (Isaiah will be starting school and I don't want to go while he is in school). Here are the prizes: 1st cruise /2nd $300 gift certificate Home Depot/ 3rd $200 computer pen with software /4th $50 dinner gift certificate for Two George's