To My Dear Precious Son

This is the letter I wrote and read at Joshie's service.


My Dear Precious Baby Boy Joshie,

      As I sit here in your room, I can't even begin to understand the idea of not holding you again. You are so Loved. I'm not sure how to feel at this moment. I feel so relieved that you don't hurt anymore, but my heart aches and longs for you. I don't know if I can bear not having you with me or not having you here to care for. All I've known for four years is to take care of you, make sure doctor appointments were set, nurses & doctors understood you well, and most of all Love you so. You are so Loved.
     From the beginning, you were full of surprises for mommy and daddy. I remember the day you were born. It was scary for mommy in the ER, not knowing what was going to happen to us, but most importantly to you. I prayed the entire time, "Lord protect my baby, protect my baby, protect my baby." The doctor said 5 more minutes and we both would've gone to Heaven. That wasn't God's plan though. His plan was bigger than I could've even imagined. You are so Loved.
     I'll never forget the time you were about 11/2 week old and they told mommy and daddy we'd have a family meeting the next day to remove your support. I prayed so boldly over you that day and the Lord answered prayer the same day. The Lord's plan was Great. The whole time everyone said, you were not responsive, I knew it was because you were to busy playing with the angels and holding God's hand. The Lord saw what a huge impact you'd make and knew it before he sent you into my womb.
     Oh my, I remember all those different people, pastors, strangers, friends, family, family of family, and friends of friends. You name it...people joined together to pray for you. It didn't even matter what religion or what church they belonged to. You were God's instrument to show, One Mighty God, we all from the same family. Slowly you'd give daddy and I signs. Signs like the little twitch of a foot or curl of a finger. Oh my! what an awesome feeling to see you do these things that seemed so small, but yet mighty miracles in our eyes.
     You taught us how to appreciate life. You showed us how some of the stress of this world is not so important. Through the Lord you taught us to be more compassionate for others. It is amazing how every person you touched was touched in different ways. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, neighbors, and strangers----they all loved you so. You are so loved.
     As you grew through these four years, so did we. The road wasn't easy, but the journey was God's plan. What a strong little mighty warrior you are. The Lord has used you in a such a powerful way. Joshua Josiah Vidal----Joshua meaning God is my Salvation----Josiah meaning God supports/Jehovah heals-------Vidal meaning full of life. This is why we chose your name, Perfectly designed and destined by God Almighty. We never imagined how far and wide you'd travel to touch the hearts of many. Your name written in Jerusalem's wailing wall twice by people you hadn't even met yet. People praying for you in Japan, and throughout different parts of the world. WOW Joshie, through the Lord you were so amazing!
     People became better people. Nurses became better nurses. You taught them so so much. I often heard from nurses; saying that after caring for you they were able to do much much more at the hospitals. You trained many and kept us on our toes....that's for sure. What an angel you are. Mommy and daddy love you so. Your brothers love you and miss you dearly. I remember how you loved to listen to their voices and hear them getting silly wrestling around. You brought them many smiles. Our hearts hurt, but we know we will see you again. You are so loved.  I'm missing how I'd bounce you and roughen you up. You loved every single moment. I miss how you'd get hyper sometimes and swing your legs back & forth. I'm missing the hugs and kisses we'd share. The smell of your breath as I'd put my face near your angelic little face. The way I'd hug you tight as I gave you endless kisses. Your beautiful eyes and the way you'd speak to us through them. Your beautiful silky thick hair everyone loved to touch. Oh, and that sweet sweet face. It hurts so much to not feel your warmth. The way you'd get upset and throw your little fits by getting so stiff cause you wanted what "you" wanted.
     You had a hard time with this earthly body, but you sure were smart. You taught me how to read your little "wants" and needs. You are so loved. Mommy, daddy, and brothers will be okay. We know how hard it was for you here. We love you so. So many times I thought I was ready to let your spirit leave this earth so you could finally rest, but you knew it was when our father in Heaven said "your angelic mission was complete". From the very beginning of your birth to the time you left this Earth, you have changed people's lives. Our father in Heaven's Mighty Plan.
     Rest now my precious baby Joshie from all you have done. Now in Heaven your party has just begun. When I said to you in the ER, "what do you want baby...what do you need?" "Are you ready to go with Jesus" "Whatever you want..it's okay go with the angels...go with Jesus." As I felt your little spirit leave, you showed me once again, what you needed and wanted. Thank you for helping mommy and daddy know.
You now have returned to holding the Lord's hand once again, and playing with the angels. I see you dancing, worshipping, and praising. I know you are in such glorious surroundings. Have fun my baby Joshie. Say hi to everyone for us. I love you so so much my wonderful, strong, beautiful, angelic, miracle baby Joshie. You are so Loved. I am very Proud of you my love.

I can't wait till we see you again.

                                                                            Love,
                                                                            Mommy and Daddy Forever

Missing my Joshie........(included prayer I wrote and read at prayer service)

I've been asked if I could post the prayer I wrote and read at Joshie's prayer service. I decided to post it here on his blog. This prayer was written for his 1st birthday. He spent his first birthday at the hospital and when he was finally discharged we had a huge birthday party for him. I recall coming out of the hospital and phone calls being made immediately notifying of an emergency birthday party. The following day everyone showed up! It was great to see how much love Joshua was surrounded by. He continues to be surrounded with Love, but now he is face to face with the one who gave/gives his greatest Love. Thank you Jesus.

I Love you so so much Josh and I miss you dearly. I miss you and long to hold you in my arms. It hurts so deep in me as though the sorrow shoots from my stomach, to my heart, and pours throughout. When I cry for you, the tears come from deep within me. It seems as the days go by, my sadness deepens. I've been told repeatedly he's in a better place....I know he is and truly believe it. However, I am still "mommy" and crave my child's warmth in my arms. I wish i could see you and just touch your hair or just a little finger. When the pain seems so strong that I cannot handle it....I think about all the hard times you endured. This gives me the peace I need for those moments. It reminds me that my baby boy is no longer having to go through all the hurt anymore. You are no longer hurting anymore. Love you my strong Joshie. Forever and Always....kisses and hugs

Here is the prayer I wrote and read:

BEING THANKFUL
Lord,
Many will not understand the way it feels to be thankful.... for the moment you can finally take a deep breath and feel the relief of finally getting to hold your baby after seeing him lay there, day in and out----hooked up to machines, being poked, tested, and pumped full of drugs.

The relief of feeling him in your arms, but yet feeling sadness that you can't hold him even closer.

NOt many will understand the way it feels to be so thankful to hear---- he had a bowel movement and is now urinating-----what a blessing to our ears!

OH! to be thankful for every breath that you see him take....So, So, thankful!

Many people do not understand and ask "why do these people smile just for a tiny little cough they hear", "a little twitch of the nose", "a little finger that curls", or even "a little curl of this tiny foot."

OH! what it means to be thankful.

To be thankful to hear him cry after praying day after day, that one day you will hear his voice. THANK YOU, OH THANK YOU!

Not many will understand the way it feels to be so thankful to see your baby take a complete swallow and for it to actually bring tears to your eyes because you know it's a blessing from above.

Not many will know the feeling of being thankful just because your baby has gained one little pound. What an accomplishment!

Even through many difficult moments of feeling exhausted and drained physically, mentally, and spiritually....I am truly thankful.

I cannot express how thankful I am for the miracles I see before me.

For they may not understand what it means to be waiting for what seems so small, but yet so miraculous of a miracle that the Lord has in store.

For many will not understand but I pray that they do know how truly blessed they are. AMEN



Count your blessings and treasure every miracle in you life. The Lord is great and our miracle JOSHUA is proof.
Many times I ask why and I only have little glimpses but yet don't fully understand why....but one thing I do know is... I am truly thankful for my little angel Joshua.
Love,
Mommy

Heaven

Joshua went to heaven on Thursday, July 21, 2011. I may or may not post later. I will do my best to post pictures when I can. So many things to do right now. I miss my lil baby so much already. I feel lost without him. I know he doesnt hurt anymore. The Lord is my strength and my guide.

Hernia Hernia Go Away!

WEll when he was in ICU they discovered he had again another hernia (from all the gagging). The only thing to do is surgery again but he is to much of a high risk to go under right now. We finally got him stable! However, he threw up twice last thursday. He also has been having more food in his tummy than usual. So this means at times he is not digesting everything because of the hernia (food is shifting everywhere). It is not a constant thing yet so not gonna go into worry mode yet. I really don't think we will do surgery unless he really isn't digesting 1/2 of his usual intake. This will then be a major problem. Pedi doesn't think he will get through surgery if he does go under. So yes we traded one problem for another in the mean time. Another thing that can also affect him is throwing up and aspriating on it (going into lungs). It's like one BIG CYCLE. We are going to see the surgeon in Aug. to discuss what we basically already know (haha).

On a good note.....he will be turning 3 years old on June 25!!! He has gone through so much in 3 years....gosh my baby boy is a super human baby. Thank you Lord for these blessed (although tough at many times) years of having time with my precious lil guy. I think about all the kisses, hugs, half smiles, and unspoken communication he shows us with those beautiful eyes. He is our angel. Thank you Lord for Joshua.

cruise control

so we've been seeing the pediatrican every week so he can keep track and monitor him. The last thing he said to us was we were on cruise control. In this he means he isn't getting better and isn't getting worse. However the last couple of days we managed to take him off oxygen and the cpap (blows air to keep his airway opened). He actually only uses the cpap while asleep. He is such a fighter...Joshua is superbaby for sure. So he actually looks better!!!! Will post later, it's Isaac's b-day today so we are off to celebrate (6yrs). Thank you for all your prayers. Just continue to pray for God's will...that is the only thing I pray for. Thank you again.

Sleep Baby Sleep

Well I really don't have a lot of time to post a whole lot right now. Joshua is still sick. He is currently on 3liters of oxygen and throughout the day on the cpap (looks like an oxygen mask but blows air to keep airway opened when he is having a hard time). We are doing treatments and doing everything like we usually do except we aren't on antibiotics. He has already tried 3-4 different ones and nothing really helped. So now we just wait and give him time. Hopefully that left side opens up and he clears up more. Right now he is needing lots of suctioning and constant monitoring. He does look more relaxed at home and rests more. He sleeps on and off throughout the day. So basically the key phrase I hear a lot from the doctors is "unfortunately we don't have a crystal ball" so Joshua can get better slowly or worse slowly. Well, at this point I'm just taking it day by day. I thank God for every day he gives me with him....whether it is days, months, or many years. However and whatever goes on I know the Lord knows best. This is what I am trusting and believing. My prayer is for Joshua to be happy and not suffer. Everything else will be taken care of by my Father in Heaven. So for now I am just letting him sleep all he wants cause he really needs to rest. Staying in the hospital for long periods of time really is draining. I know I haven't caught by yet and I'm not the one getting treatments and suctioned constantly....I can't imagine how tired he must feel.

Those of you who have been praying for us I thank you. I pray for strength, peace, and his Will. Another quick thing I want to address. Sometimes I think people want to be their for us, do something for us, or even say something to us. However, it is hard to figure out "what". I just want to say it's ok. Please don't concentrate on these things because sometimes these things aren't even the most important things that need to be done. The most important thing to us is to know you are there. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen. A recent thing I shared with a friend was telling them we are really not looking or waiting for the magical comforting word/words of wisdom. I think when people focus so much on these things it takes over and then all you have is avoidence. When it gets to hard for people they tend to just avoid the situation. In this case, I understand it is hard for some to see my little guy sick. Just having someone be there is the best thing.

As far as pictures I will have to post later.

updates (Nov - April)----- Joshua Comes home sick from ICU

OK so I haven't posted anything in a long while. It has been tough lately. However I'm still living and learning....that's for sure! Well my last post he had surgery stayed in hospital from November 12-14...awesome right? Yes, then December 16 he was admitted again basically same (lungs and slight cold). It sent us straight to ICU. He was there from Dec. 16-22.....again another pretty short stay...thank you Lord. Still pretty hard time for us especially being so close to Christmas. Of course being the goof I am I pretty much went in there telling the nurses we were there just as a visit and I had a talk with Joshie. I made up my mind we were getting out quick cause I still didn't have all our presents yet. I was giving him only until Monday (3-4days). Joshua of course likes to do his own thing and we didn't leave until Tuesday. How funny is that!! I really think the Lord likes to see how I'm going to react. It's sometimes so comical the way things turn out. I told the nurses Joshua was just being stubborn. You better believe I was in there making them rearrange everything just so I could hold him in order to do manual cpt (patting his back firmly to loosen the stuff up in his lungs).


Well, after all this excitement (kidding of course)I went back to work! It felt so good to go back to teaching. Actually I didn't really go back full time I decided to just enter into the world of substitutes. My husband says he could see a difference in me as far as doing something I love doing. It was nice while it lasted. I do have to say it made me feel good when people gave me compliments about my teaching and classroom management. For a while it made me feel a little more normal or at least I had a little something that I had before I entered this whole "other world". Since I was able to go to different classrooms and schools I also met many people. At times I was able to share my experiences with other educators. I tell you...Joshie is such a little testimony even when I feel it is the hardest time for us. I also stopped substitute teaching to start tutoring for tests coming up. All this and juggled my boys very active schedules....juijitsu....tball...football...basketball...soccer...boy scouts...etc..yes many activities. We do balance it out though to remain sane of course (keep in mind I have 4 boys... hahah).

Around March 11 Joshie became sick and it just escalated from there. It really wasn't that bad at first. I called the Dr. and got some stuff taken care of. He got better at first and then he was good during the days but horrible during the nights. This means we both weren't getting a whole lot of sleep. I also was thinking it might be allergies. I still think it played a role to where we are now. Towards the end of April we had already tried at least 3 antibiotics and couple of steroids. I took him in to DR. visit and to ER (which I knew they wouldn't keep him in cause during the day he was ok--not that bad). Then finally went in on April 26 and was admitted. He has been in ICU for about three weeks now. I will post more tomorrow and post pictures also.I am exhausted right now. He was just discharged late this afternoon but he is still a very sick little baby. I will give details tomorrow of what is going on. For now I will say...there is not much more they can really do but wait and see. His lungs are not strong. He is very tired and not really fighting as strong as before. This time its really been hard for him. They discharged us cause they really weren't doing a whole lot anymore. He can either get better slowly or get worse slowly. However, God is great and its been quite a testing time for us. It is awesome to know that he is still sending us little signs and fresh revelations even at the hardest time in our life. We are needing strength and peace more than ever right now. I will share more tomorrow.