Wednesday, May 21, 2008

How Much More???

Ok, Joshua had been doing fine. We were just waiting around for the day of surgery to get the fundo. Then out of no where he aspirates horribly. We could not get his breathing and heart rate under control. His heart rate was at about 207!! It was so scary for me to see him go under such distress. I found some way of keeping my composure and was doing ok for a while until it finally hit me. It hit me when a nurse complimented me on how "strong of a mother" I supposedly am. I know the only strength I have comes from the Lord because at times I don't feel as strong as others might see me. Anyway, they sent him to ICU and he is there right now. He is pretty calm right now. The doctors are really not sure if they should go on with the surgery because he sometimes has a difficult time with his breathing (I think because his throat is swollen from the aspiration). If he does well tonight and tomorrow morning, they will proceed with the surgery. They are planning on doing it in the morning around 7:30. Please pray for us and especially for him. I feel so anxious, scared, nervous, and worried all at the same time. I know God is in control, but I guess my earthly human emotions kick in (not to mention he is my little baby boy). OH!!!!!!!!my precious little baby boy, if only.....if only....I just wish I could take it all away. He has gone through so much. OK, so I am having a really hard time right now. Not my best moment. I know I gotta keep going. He is such a strong little baby. How much more can I handle. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle...but oh my much more??????

Tonight I looked up at the night sky and see the trees blowing in the wind. I see the little park next door. I just think wow, the Lord is the creator of all this. He is in charge of all that is around me....Lord I just pray you are so great. How much more can you do for my little guy. What is ahead? The Plan? For What? My life will never be the same. If only people saw what we see in and out of the hospital. The lives that are changed forever because of tragic events that occur. Such love, compassion, and hope I have for these mothers, fathers, and children. My heart hurts tonight. I know there are other hurting much more and facing much more. I pray for those. I pray for the little girl and boy next to my dear little baby boy. Oh, how I tear up when I see those parents and the hurt I see in their eyes. WHY? How Much More??? If only people knew....Lord be with my baby and all those little ones. Your love is so GREAT. I know you are still there. At this moment, I cry out to you and feel hurt. Heal tonight.