Saturday, December 10, 2011

Christmas Message to Mom

Christmas? Really!!? Is Christmas really happening this year? It is coming even though our Joshua isn't here!  Well, yes everything is currently in motion right now.  The trees, the lights, the music, the sappy movies, and of course the cheer in all of it's glory. OH my goodness, Lord give me the strength to be in the spirit.  The good thing is I don't have to be in "the spirit of Christmas" but do need to give God all the honor and Glory.  As far as the jingle bell songs on the instant reaction is to flip the station or turn it I use to love all the Christmas stuff in the stores and everything that goes along with it.  It just makes me sad right now.  I'm sure it'll get better but for now I'm just taking it one step at a time.

We decided to ask the boys whether they wanted to have the "real tree" like we usually do in our living room or just put the smaller artificial one we had in Joshua's room last year. Isaiah (our 8yr old) said it didn't matter to him.  However, the discomfort in his voice and watery eyes said something else.  He admitted it was hard to talk about it.  Isaac (7yr old) on the other hand, said he wanted everything the same as the last Christmas we had with Joshua. The artificial one he said reminded him of our last Christmas and of Joshua cause it was small like him.  The real tree is where "Santa" always puts Joshua's presents under.  So we said ok, it settles it and we will have it that way.

As we began to put the tree, I wept softly enough for them not to notice.  I wiped my face each time I'd reach into the ornament box and decorated inside our home.  The hardest was pulling out Joshua's ornaments.  So many memories. I kept thinking he should be here.  I really didn't want to decorate, but my boys I think needed it.  I don't want them to have to many changes. Then as we sat on the floor in Joshua's room to put the artificial tree together, it just broke me.  It tore me up to sit there knowing his room was still filled with all of his things and everything in it's place....except for my baby boy.  The  bed and sofa seat were empty. I wasn't siting there holding him watching the boys, there wasn't a nurse sitting there taking care of him, nor was my mother in law there to help watch him so we could get things done.  He wasn't there.  Joshua was not there with us.  I had an emotional melt down.  I began to sob uncontrollably in front of my boys (which i rarely----and I mean --rarely DO).  So my boys began to cry along with me.  As I try to compose myself, I began to tell the boys how I believed Christmas was Joshua's favorite holiday.  Thanksgiving was always hard going back and forth from home to home.  He could not handle it and hated being in his car seat for long periods of time.  On Halloween, it was hard for him to be outside late at night and go also from home to home.  Christmas though, he loved to be indoors and being up late as he listened to all the family commotion.  After saying this Isaiah said something that seems so simple but yet so profound.  Isaiah looked at me straight in the eyes as we sat there (still watery eyes) and said to me...."mom this will be Joshua's best Christmas ever cause he will be in heaven and celebrating God's very own birthday with him". 

WOW....I felt as though the message was clearly sent from the Holy Spirit through Isaiah.  He didn't hesitate in speaking in such a loving and comforting way, it feltl as though the message beamed with a sense of  Godly authority. I then began to cry all over again...(haha) because it was awesome so see and hear my 8yr old speak this way. I know the Lord is going to use him in a powerful way.  Pray for Isaiah...he is so tender hearted.  He has also been emotional these last couple of weeks and is missing his little brother so much.