Monday, November 21, 2011

When all you can do is SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!to the point of exhaustion

My heart is heavy. I feel like I can't breath.  I feel as though I just want to go to Heaven for just a little while just to see and hold my Joshua.  I say just for a day or couple of days cause I know my little ones need me here.  I think sometimes and pray.."Lord can't you give me this".  Please somehow answer this prayer and make a way. It hurts way to much.  I've experienced that I do fine for a few days or even a week.  Then its as a strong storm crashes me down to the pit of emotional hell.  I know it sounds very unchristian of me.  WHATEVER.... it's real, very real.  The Lord knows and understands the pain I'm feeling.  I don't care what others think.  It's important to know that Christians need to be real.  This is definitely Real.  There are no "Christian comforting words" to a mother that is just simply hurting because of the loss of her child.  Many see me as a STRONG woman....blah blah ....however, at this moment they should see me as I post this.  I'm a wreck!  A complete total wreck to the point of asking myself  "am I going crazy"?  Then I think to myself,  I'd probably be crazy if I didn't have these moments.  I'm a Mother.

I've had people try to give me their comforting speeches which I know they mean well. Then I have those who say "they understand" "they know".....God... that is one thing I can not stand.  Lord forgive me.  I am so tired of the stupid things people say.  I'm just TIRED.  I'm TIRED of being Tired.  People need to understand I know "all those things....he's in a better place...etc....". It sounds bad, but I also wouldn't wish him here again to hurt.  It would be selfish of me. I just want to at least visit once a day with him in Heaven.  CRAZY woman you are probably saying to yourself.  Its hard to understand unless you've seen everything he went through.

So the best time to let everything out is when I'm home alone.  I don't want people thinking I'm crazy.  When you are home all alone you can scream, hit things, and just throw a huge emotional fit. I ran to his room the other day and just searched for his scent.  I even opened up a can of his milk just to smell the milk on me.  As I am doing this I start to think "I still have enough wipes, powder, diapers, even supplies...I go through his supplies to look to see what he has, as if though he was still here with me physically.  I then pray....Lord I still have enough stuff and am not even out yet.  How could he not be here.  It doesn't make any sense.  As though he wasn't suppose to take him yet from me. Then I randomly found his therapy vest and just thanked the Lord cause it smelled exactly like him.  It was so heavenly. 

Oh my God!!!! LORD help me Please.....I just don't know about this horrendous feeling that goes through me like a sharp piercing pain into my soul. JOSHUA JOSHUA JOSHUA my LOVE.  You were and are everything to me.  For four years nothing really mattered as much as you did.  Everything in my life was dedicated around YOU.  Even when things weren't going right around me.  It didn't matter cause I just relyed on you.  At the time it seemed as though you were relying on me for everything that kept you going.  Now as I look back I relyed on you just as much.  I just didn't know it.  JOSHUA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can only yell out your name because I LOVE YOU DEARLY and MISS YOU with ALL of my being.  Then I call and cry out to GOD!!!!!!! LORD HELP ME.......Heal my soul and heart.  LORD......LORD....

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just having "THAT DAY" right now.  Just yesterday I wrote in a friends facebook...."been there to many times. I'm sorry. Now its a totally different feeling for me.  It's hard either way.  Feels like you're broken either way.  Just know we are blessed just to have our angels even when it hurts the most.  We love them with everything we've got forever and ever.  They forever change our lives.  A bond never broken."   I look back and read this and it tears me up. It feels like we are so far apart, but yet it is true that my bond to Joshua no one will ever have. You don't know or understand until you've had such a wonderful and special child.  I love all my children.  They are all wonderfully uniquely made.  However, my Joshua is my Joshua.  Those of you who have a special needs child understand what I'm talking about. It 's like when you take care of your children and they are sick.  You spend all your time with them and give them that one/one.  You hurt when they nurture them.  Joshua since the beginning was sick.  SO he got my one/one for four years of his life.  His life became my priority.  I still made time for everyone else....even then I always was checking in on my Joshua or taking care of "Joshua stuff".....(this makes me smile).  The moment he needed something or I knew he was having issues, it didn't matter where I was or who I was with----I'd leave and go to Joshua. (this makes me laugh)....He was my little man.  If I was upset with someone or about something I'd focus on ....."it's ok....I love you Joshua.....I'll take care of Joshie nothing else matters".

Holidays are approaching  and I really don't feel like I'm in the mood.  I don't want to decorate or do anything.  I feel as though it'd be wrong to celebrate without my baby boy.  I don't know.  The Christmas stuff at the stores and the music always were my highlights.  Now I just get so sad.  It makes me feel empty.  I feel loneliness even though I have my husband and boys.  I'm gonna make myself still put something up at least for my children's sake.  I just don't know if I'm gonna go all out. If we decorate I'm gonna find a way to tie it to a memory of Joshua somehow.  My husband wants to place angel wings at Joshua's window.  I think that will be beautiful.  We'll see.

Thank You Lord for your continual faithfulness in my life.  You continue to be my everything. I am nothing without you.  You sustain me through and through.  Thank you for my husband, my kids, and four years with my Joshua.