Thursday, September 15, 2011

How are you doing?

  So much has happened and now what?  Where do you go from here? Taking care of  "his area"....check...."water his area"...check....."put together a head stone for Joshie"....almost check......"cut the grass from his area"...check....
(so as you can tell I just call it his area instead of his burial site, cemetery, or "Joshua" a way I just think of it as an area we purchased in memory of Josh. It's like we bought a little area for a garden.  I know it's weird but I rather think of it like that than to really think about his body actually being there ---so for now it's just referred to Joshua's area.  No, I'm not in denial. It's just that if I really think about it and make a deep connection to his body being "down there",  I or should I say my earthly mind will want to tell me I need to take him out because how can I let my baby be down there.  It is a mother's instinct to take care of her child and keep the child at sight at all times.  This is where I think my feelings come from.  For me as a mother, if I dwell on the whole process of makes me want to feel as though I can't breath.  Even though I know he is physically gone, I cannot fathom my baby boy being there. Again, I'm not in denial.  I was told by another mother that lost her child...."maybe it's our coping mechanism the Lord gives us" .....I think maybe it is as Godly Christian mothers.  I say that cause I can totally see where others could lose their minds or seriously shut down.  He is in Heaven and I've got my focus on the Lord.  Thank You Jesus.
As I was saying before, I have this thing now that I or we(tony included) are doing now.  Which is? lol....I guess in a sense taking care of Joshua's Stuff.  However, then what happens from there...who knows.  Well, at least I think everyone else is still moving along with their schedules and activities.  Tony is back at work.  The boys are still doing activities and now back at school.  ME? huh? Well, I don't know.  Like I said before....."taking care of his area"...check...."water his area"....check...."housework"...check...------------Then there is emptiness.

Here I thought I was prepared for life.  Live for the Lord.  Always keep him in your life.  Try to make the right choices.  Make sure you finish school....go to College.  Have a career.  Get married and have a wonderful family.  Okay, so I'm not mentioning all the highs/ lows in which are part of growing up.  My point is that I did all that and then POW!!!! I was a person with a bachelors degree and no job.  Joshua became my priority in living my everyday life (plus my daily family living of course).  He totally consumed me and my everyday rituals.  Now, I'm left dangling in mid air.  What now? I pray cause I have ideas and goals but I feel lost. How can you feel all these things at once.  I feel REALLY Lost.  It almost makes me feel as though I don't have confidence in myself for some reason.  I know I can and am capable of getting things done but I guess it's because now it's time to combine what the Lord has taught me. I know I can do things and I plan on it. I just want to go the right path.  I pray for complete guidance.

Sometimes I feel as though I just don't have enough to do with myself.  Nothing completes me or should I say completes my day.  I know everyone will say..."The Lord"....etc.  However, there is a different feeling that exists that is unexplainable.  Yes, the Lord does heal and is there to fill my void.  It is very evident he is faithful and is my everything.  If it weren't for him I wouldn't be existing right now this very moment.  The heaviness and emptiness comes from a "mothers hurt".  Just like when you pray for your children and you give it all to the Lord.  Then you still call to check on them to make sure to see how things are going.  It's not that you haven't given it to the Lord----you are just being a mother.  Well, that's the best way I can describe it.  I Miss him so much!  That empty feeling feels really heavy inside of me.

The wonderful part of it all is when it becomes unbearable, the Lord makes his presence known.  When it hurts so much that I pour out to the Lord with everything I have to really tell him what I am feeling, he gives me peace. When all that is within me just melts before him and I am just broken at his feet....he sustains me.  There have been times when I go to church and he fills me with joy.  So he is my everything and he does fill me. This is just a process.  I know that this also has a purpose in the Lord's Plan.  I love when our Pastor Don Leavell quotes Psalms 23 and says "you walk THROUGH the valley".  The Lord walks you through many valleys.  He never said you wouldn't go through them.  However, he is there walking you through them.  "Thou art with me".
Awesome! Isn't it great when God's word comes alive....Right in your

Keep me in your prayers.