Wednesday, April 8, 2009

When? What? & WHY?

So I haven't had a chance to really sit down and post anything. Even if I did have one minute I don't think I would've wanted to anyway. This is how crappy I've been feeling lately. I know my last two posts have been very short and to the point. I have been going through so much "stuff" these last couple of weeks. So Joshua had three things done he had the fundoplication which helps him not throw up and a plication of the diaphragm. This plication was done because they saw that the left diaphragm was elevated and they believe it is paralyzed. They "tacked" it down so it won't keep shifting up and maybe can also move a little more by being tacked and movement of the right. This doesn't mean it is any better though. Along the way they discovered he had a hiatel hernia, which also is a reason for the severe reflux he had. He had all this done and seemed to be doing fine. Then the next day he was struggling with his secretions. It almost seemed like his little body was totally overwhelmed with everything. To make things worse, they weren't giving him his med for secretions (so it got worse). He then began having little episodes where he was choking on thick secretions and turning red/blue/purple. Then Joshua went apnic for a short time. They decided to intubate him because his lungs were full of secretions and they basically collapsed on him. I really think his little body got so tired and he just gave up. During this time I met a little baby boy and his courageous parents whom touched my heart. He has wonderful parents who held on to their faith till the very end of his time here. God bless his mom and dad.

I did visit at the funeral home which really made me think about a lot of things...

I get so frustrated thinking about how it seems like people who I thought were going to be supportive are really not the ones who are being supportive. I know for a fact the Lord does send me someone when I least expect it. I am so grateful and thankful for my friend Vanessa who truly understands me when I feel like I can't deal anymore. Then I get a renewed strength that will get me through another day. God knew what he was doing when he had us meet. NOW ONLY for the rest of our PRAYERS....come ON give us more celebrations to out weigh our tears and heartache. THIS To SHALL PASS?? When is this season over in our lives?? I know, have more faith. I do have faith believe it or not (even though I sound really bad right now). I've learned it is ok to express myself and get upset as long as I don't hold on to it forever. After all don't children cry out to their father? The Lord knows I do my share! OK Lord, I love you and trust you. It just seems to get harder at certain points to bear seeing my little one go through this. Where are all the Godly people that use to surround me?? I know they truly do not understand this chapter of my life. I almost think some people think "oh, it's just Joshua getting sick AGAIN---he'll be out and ok AGAIN." I even sometimes think family doesn't get it either. One day the Lord can take Joshua because he can get SO sick. Yes he is ok right now but who knows what the future holds. It doesn't matter how much faith you have...ultimately it is GOD's Plan that lays before us all. I just have to go day by day and know he loves me. Stay focused on him no matter how hard it gets.

Another update on Joshua. We went back for another hospital stay but this time for a sleep study. I have been complaining about how he has a really loud snore and it seems like his air way is collapsing. It just seems like no one listens! Thank God for my new pedi. He gave us a o2 monitor and oxygen at home just in case. He also set us up for the sleep study. Well, I finally got the results today. He will get admitted into the hospital after Easter on Monday because they found he has moderate obstructive airway sleep apnea. I was told he only sleeps about 50% and is not reaching REM sleep! My poor baby never gets real rest! So now they will get us set up with a CPap at night. This is basically continuous air given to him (looks like an oxygen mask but it is just blowing air using pressure to keep air way opened). It should improve his sleep and may even improve his seizures!!! even though it is going to add to our night ritual I am excited to know there might be positives out of this (or at least rest for both of us). The hospital stay is to assure he can adjust well to it and doesn't have issues before we begin at home. PRAY!! If Joshua is happy and gets rest--I get rest---if I get rest--everyone else will have a happier and less sleep deprived mother (haha)

Pray for the BEST!