Sunday, February 8, 2009

Hanging ON

Tonight I am not having a very good night. I find myself just feeling horrible. I feel so helpless with everything. It is not specifically Joshua on my mind tonight. He is actually doing just ok right now. He seems to be losening a lot of secretions lately. Which I see as a good sign, although at times it gets pretty rough for him (has a hard time breathing causing us to be more aggressive with suctioning). I guess we won't really know until Thursday (x-rays).
I feel like I can't help or make things better. I do have faith and don't really think I am angry. I am just really hurt and sad with everything. Joshua's little friend is also continuously going through this roller coaster ride. I just wish these precious little angels didn't have to go through so much. It hurts.
I had someone ask me...does this affect your faith. Well, I don't think it affects personally my faith as far as me not Loving and believing in the Lord. It does at times make me just not want to have faith for that moment(my bad days). I know that sounds kind of confusing...but I know those of you in the same boat totally understand what I am talking about. I then just get over it and shake it off cause I know I NEED it because without it I WOULD NOT SURVIVE. SO I guess in that moment I just feel like I am hanging on. I pray for all the parents out there that feel like they are just "hanging on". I pray for renewed strength. I also pray that some day, some how, we have some kind of understanding in the mist of all the heartache.