Monday, October 3, 2011

Missing My Baby

So just when I think I'm doing pretty good....bam...bam.. pow.....hits like a brick right in the gut.  I know I'm okay and will be okay but geez right when I turn into the corner of life it hits you right in the face.  I woke up the other night around 2ish 3ish in the morning.  Had a crappy dream.  Well, I guess it isn't crappy when you aren't in the moment and actually step back to take a real look at it.  I woke myself up crying and with Tony trying to comfort me.  In my dream I had talked to this "person" and decided to give this "person" Joshua because I was just so so tired.  This person was a person somehow related to church.  I then went about my business.  I slept and rested for a  while and when I awoke (in dream) I was frantic and in a horrible panic.  " I gotta get Joshua back!!" Oh My God! What have I done! Running to church to look for this "person" and can't find him.  Yelling I made a mistake, I didn't know what I was doing.  I was just so tired but I'm okay now. Please! I need Joshua. I can't do this without him.  I'll try to get more help or get his nurses back...I NEED JOSHUA!!  I couldn't get him or find him.  He wasn't in reach.  Then I just heard this person, who I never saw the face of, say to me ..."this is for the best".  I then woke up.  I know this is probably a representation of giving him over to the Lord.  Also, as I think about it---it wasn't so much just me being tired but Joshua being more than tired.

We ordered the headstone for his "area" so I think this also makes it very hard right now for us.  I feel it so strong right now.

Today has been also a really tough day.