Thursday, September 15, 2011

How are you doing?

  So much has happened and now what?  Where do you go from here? Taking care of  "his area"....check...."water his area"...check....."put together a head stone for Joshie"....almost check......"cut the grass from his area"...check....
(so as you can tell I just call it his area instead of his burial site, cemetery, or "Joshua" a way I just think of it as an area we purchased in memory of Josh. It's like we bought a little area for a garden.  I know it's weird but I rather think of it like that than to really think about his body actually being there ---so for now it's just referred to Joshua's area.  No, I'm not in denial. It's just that if I really think about it and make a deep connection to his body being "down there",  I or should I say my earthly mind will want to tell me I need to take him out because how can I let my baby be down there.  It is a mother's instinct to take care of her child and keep the child at sight at all times.  This is where I think my feelings come from.  For me as a mother, if I dwell on the whole process of makes me want to feel as though I can't breath.  Even though I know he is physically gone, I cannot fathom my baby boy being there. Again, I'm not in denial.  I was told by another mother that lost her child...."maybe it's our coping mechanism the Lord gives us" .....I think maybe it is as Godly Christian mothers.  I say that cause I can totally see where others could lose their minds or seriously shut down.  He is in Heaven and I've got my focus on the Lord.  Thank You Jesus.
As I was saying before, I have this thing now that I or we(tony included) are doing now.  Which is? lol....I guess in a sense taking care of Joshua's Stuff.  However, then what happens from there...who knows.  Well, at least I think everyone else is still moving along with their schedules and activities.  Tony is back at work.  The boys are still doing activities and now back at school.  ME? huh? Well, I don't know.  Like I said before....."taking care of his area"...check...."water his area"....check...."housework"...check...------------Then there is emptiness.

Here I thought I was prepared for life.  Live for the Lord.  Always keep him in your life.  Try to make the right choices.  Make sure you finish school....go to College.  Have a career.  Get married and have a wonderful family.  Okay, so I'm not mentioning all the highs/ lows in which are part of growing up.  My point is that I did all that and then POW!!!! I was a person with a bachelors degree and no job.  Joshua became my priority in living my everyday life (plus my daily family living of course).  He totally consumed me and my everyday rituals.  Now, I'm left dangling in mid air.  What now? I pray cause I have ideas and goals but I feel lost. How can you feel all these things at once.  I feel REALLY Lost.  It almost makes me feel as though I don't have confidence in myself for some reason.  I know I can and am capable of getting things done but I guess it's because now it's time to combine what the Lord has taught me. I know I can do things and I plan on it. I just want to go the right path.  I pray for complete guidance.

Sometimes I feel as though I just don't have enough to do with myself.  Nothing completes me or should I say completes my day.  I know everyone will say..."The Lord"....etc.  However, there is a different feeling that exists that is unexplainable.  Yes, the Lord does heal and is there to fill my void.  It is very evident he is faithful and is my everything.  If it weren't for him I wouldn't be existing right now this very moment.  The heaviness and emptiness comes from a "mothers hurt".  Just like when you pray for your children and you give it all to the Lord.  Then you still call to check on them to make sure to see how things are going.  It's not that you haven't given it to the Lord----you are just being a mother.  Well, that's the best way I can describe it.  I Miss him so much!  That empty feeling feels really heavy inside of me.

The wonderful part of it all is when it becomes unbearable, the Lord makes his presence known.  When it hurts so much that I pour out to the Lord with everything I have to really tell him what I am feeling, he gives me peace. When all that is within me just melts before him and I am just broken at his feet....he sustains me.  There have been times when I go to church and he fills me with joy.  So he is my everything and he does fill me. This is just a process.  I know that this also has a purpose in the Lord's Plan.  I love when our Pastor Don Leavell quotes Psalms 23 and says "you walk THROUGH the valley".  The Lord walks you through many valleys.  He never said you wouldn't go through them.  However, he is there walking you through them.  "Thou art with me".
Awesome! Isn't it great when God's word comes alive....Right in your

Keep me in your prayers.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

To My Dear Precious Son

This is the letter I wrote and read at Joshie's service.

My Dear Precious Baby Boy Joshie,

      As I sit here in your room, I can't even begin to understand the idea of not holding you again. You are so Loved. I'm not sure how to feel at this moment. I feel so relieved that you don't hurt anymore, but my heart aches and longs for you. I don't know if I can bear not having you with me or not having you here to care for. All I've known for four years is to take care of you, make sure doctor appointments were set, nurses & doctors understood you well, and most of all Love you so. You are so Loved.
     From the beginning, you were full of surprises for mommy and daddy. I remember the day you were born. It was scary for mommy in the ER, not knowing what was going to happen to us, but most importantly to you. I prayed the entire time, "Lord protect my baby, protect my baby, protect my baby." The doctor said 5 more minutes and we both would've gone to Heaven. That wasn't God's plan though. His plan was bigger than I could've even imagined. You are so Loved.
     I'll never forget the time you were about 11/2 week old and they told mommy and daddy we'd have a family meeting the next day to remove your support. I prayed so boldly over you that day and the Lord answered prayer the same day. The Lord's plan was Great. The whole time everyone said, you were not responsive, I knew it was because you were to busy playing with the angels and holding God's hand. The Lord saw what a huge impact you'd make and knew it before he sent you into my womb.
     Oh my, I remember all those different people, pastors, strangers, friends, family, family of family, and friends of friends. You name it...people joined together to pray for you. It didn't even matter what religion or what church they belonged to. You were God's instrument to show, One Mighty God, we all from the same family. Slowly you'd give daddy and I signs. Signs like the little twitch of a foot or curl of a finger. Oh my! what an awesome feeling to see you do these things that seemed so small, but yet mighty miracles in our eyes.
     You taught us how to appreciate life. You showed us how some of the stress of this world is not so important. Through the Lord you taught us to be more compassionate for others. It is amazing how every person you touched was touched in different ways. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, neighbors, and strangers----they all loved you so. You are so loved.
     As you grew through these four years, so did we. The road wasn't easy, but the journey was God's plan. What a strong little mighty warrior you are. The Lord has used you in a such a powerful way. Joshua Josiah Vidal----Joshua meaning God is my Salvation----Josiah meaning God supports/Jehovah heals-------Vidal meaning full of life. This is why we chose your name, Perfectly designed and destined by God Almighty. We never imagined how far and wide you'd travel to touch the hearts of many. Your name written in Jerusalem's wailing wall twice by people you hadn't even met yet. People praying for you in Japan, and throughout different parts of the world. WOW Joshie, through the Lord you were so amazing!
     People became better people. Nurses became better nurses. You taught them so so much. I often heard from nurses; saying that after caring for you they were able to do much much more at the hospitals. You trained many and kept us on our toes....that's for sure. What an angel you are. Mommy and daddy love you so. Your brothers love you and miss you dearly. I remember how you loved to listen to their voices and hear them getting silly wrestling around. You brought them many smiles. Our hearts hurt, but we know we will see you again. You are so loved.  I'm missing how I'd bounce you and roughen you up. You loved every single moment. I miss how you'd get hyper sometimes and swing your legs back & forth. I'm missing the hugs and kisses we'd share. The smell of your breath as I'd put my face near your angelic little face. The way I'd hug you tight as I gave you endless kisses. Your beautiful eyes and the way you'd speak to us through them. Your beautiful silky thick hair everyone loved to touch. Oh, and that sweet sweet face. It hurts so much to not feel your warmth. The way you'd get upset and throw your little fits by getting so stiff cause you wanted what "you" wanted.
     You had a hard time with this earthly body, but you sure were smart. You taught me how to read your little "wants" and needs. You are so loved. Mommy, daddy, and brothers will be okay. We know how hard it was for you here. We love you so. So many times I thought I was ready to let your spirit leave this earth so you could finally rest, but you knew it was when our father in Heaven said "your angelic mission was complete". From the very beginning of your birth to the time you left this Earth, you have changed people's lives. Our father in Heaven's Mighty Plan.
     Rest now my precious baby Joshie from all you have done. Now in Heaven your party has just begun. When I said to you in the ER, "what do you want baby...what do you need?" "Are you ready to go with Jesus" "Whatever you's okay go with the angels...go with Jesus." As I felt your little spirit leave, you showed me once again, what you needed and wanted. Thank you for helping mommy and daddy know.
You now have returned to holding the Lord's hand once again, and playing with the angels. I see you dancing, worshipping, and praising. I know you are in such glorious surroundings. Have fun my baby Joshie. Say hi to everyone for us. I love you so so much my wonderful, strong, beautiful, angelic, miracle baby Joshie. You are so Loved. I am very Proud of you my love.

I can't wait till we see you again.

                                                                            Mommy and Daddy Forever

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Missing my Joshie........(included prayer I wrote and read at prayer service)

I've been asked if I could post the prayer I wrote and read at Joshie's prayer service. I decided to post it here on his blog. This prayer was written for his 1st birthday. He spent his first birthday at the hospital and when he was finally discharged we had a huge birthday party for him. I recall coming out of the hospital and phone calls being made immediately notifying of an emergency birthday party. The following day everyone showed up! It was great to see how much love Joshua was surrounded by. He continues to be surrounded with Love, but now he is face to face with the one who gave/gives his greatest Love. Thank you Jesus.

I Love you so so much Josh and I miss you dearly. I miss you and long to hold you in my arms. It hurts so deep in me as though the sorrow shoots from my stomach, to my heart, and pours throughout. When I cry for you, the tears come from deep within me. It seems as the days go by, my sadness deepens. I've been told repeatedly he's in a better place....I know he is and truly believe it. However, I am still "mommy" and crave my child's warmth in my arms. I wish i could see you and just touch your hair or just a little finger. When the pain seems so strong that I cannot handle it....I think about all the hard times you endured. This gives me the peace I need for those moments. It reminds me that my baby boy is no longer having to go through all the hurt anymore. You are no longer hurting anymore. Love you my strong Joshie. Forever and Always....kisses and hugs

Here is the prayer I wrote and read:

Many will not understand the way it feels to be thankful.... for the moment you can finally take a deep breath and feel the relief of finally getting to hold your baby after seeing him lay there, day in and out----hooked up to machines, being poked, tested, and pumped full of drugs.

The relief of feeling him in your arms, but yet feeling sadness that you can't hold him even closer.

NOt many will understand the way it feels to be so thankful to hear---- he had a bowel movement and is now urinating-----what a blessing to our ears!

OH! to be thankful for every breath that you see him take....So, So, thankful!

Many people do not understand and ask "why do these people smile just for a tiny little cough they hear", "a little twitch of the nose", "a little finger that curls", or even "a little curl of this tiny foot."

OH! what it means to be thankful.

To be thankful to hear him cry after praying day after day, that one day you will hear his voice. THANK YOU, OH THANK YOU!

Not many will understand the way it feels to be so thankful to see your baby take a complete swallow and for it to actually bring tears to your eyes because you know it's a blessing from above.

Not many will know the feeling of being thankful just because your baby has gained one little pound. What an accomplishment!

Even through many difficult moments of feeling exhausted and drained physically, mentally, and spiritually....I am truly thankful.

I cannot express how thankful I am for the miracles I see before me.

For they may not understand what it means to be waiting for what seems so small, but yet so miraculous of a miracle that the Lord has in store.

For many will not understand but I pray that they do know how truly blessed they are. AMEN

Count your blessings and treasure every miracle in you life. The Lord is great and our miracle JOSHUA is proof.
Many times I ask why and I only have little glimpses but yet don't fully understand why....but one thing I do know is... I am truly thankful for my little angel Joshua.