Christmas Message to Mom

Christmas? Really!!? Is Christmas really happening this year? It is coming even though our Joshua isn't here!  Well, yes everything is currently in motion right now.  The trees, the lights, the music, the sappy movies, and of course the cheer in all of it's glory. OH my goodness, Lord give me the strength to be in the spirit.  The good thing is I don't have to be in "the spirit of Christmas" but do need to give God all the honor and Glory.  As far as the jingle bell songs on the radio....my instant reaction is to flip the station or turn it off...lol. I use to love all the Christmas stuff in the stores and everything that goes along with it.  It just makes me sad right now.  I'm sure it'll get better but for now I'm just taking it one step at a time.

We decided to ask the boys whether they wanted to have the "real tree" like we usually do in our living room or just put the smaller artificial one we had in Joshua's room last year. Isaiah (our 8yr old) said it didn't matter to him.  However, the discomfort in his voice and watery eyes said something else.  He admitted it was hard to talk about it.  Isaac (7yr old) on the other hand, said he wanted everything the same as the last Christmas we had with Joshua. The artificial one he said reminded him of our last Christmas and of Joshua cause it was small like him.  The real tree is where "Santa" always puts Joshua's presents under.  So we said ok, it settles it and we will have it that way.

As we began to put the tree, I wept softly enough for them not to notice.  I wiped my face each time I'd reach into the ornament box and decorated inside our home.  The hardest was pulling out Joshua's ornaments.  So many memories. I kept thinking he should be here.  I really didn't want to decorate, but my boys I think needed it.  I don't want them to have to many changes. Then as we sat on the floor in Joshua's room to put the artificial tree together, it just broke me.  It tore me up to sit there knowing his room was still filled with all of his things and everything in it's place....except for my baby boy.  The  bed and sofa seat were empty. I wasn't siting there holding him watching the boys, there wasn't a nurse sitting there taking care of him, nor was my mother in law there to help watch him so we could get things done.  He wasn't there.  Joshua was not there with us.  I had an emotional melt down.  I began to sob uncontrollably in front of my boys (which i rarely----and I mean --rarely DO).  So my boys began to cry along with me.  As I try to compose myself, I began to tell the boys how I believed Christmas was Joshua's favorite holiday.  Thanksgiving was always hard going back and forth from home to home.  He could not handle it and hated being in his car seat for long periods of time.  On Halloween, it was hard for him to be outside late at night and go also from home to home.  Christmas though, he loved to be indoors and being up late as he listened to all the family commotion.  After saying this Isaiah said something that seems so simple but yet so profound.  Isaiah looked at me straight in the eyes as we sat there (still watery eyes) and said to me...."mom this will be Joshua's best Christmas ever cause he will be in heaven and celebrating God's very own birthday with him". 

WOW....I felt as though the message was clearly sent from the Holy Spirit through Isaiah.  He didn't hesitate in speaking in such a loving and comforting way, it feltl as though the message beamed with a sense of  Godly authority. I then began to cry all over again...(haha) because it was awesome so see and hear my 8yr old speak this way. I know the Lord is going to use him in a powerful way.  Pray for Isaiah...he is so tender hearted.  He has also been emotional these last couple of weeks and is missing his little brother so much.

When all you can do is SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!to the point of exhaustion

My heart is heavy. I feel like I can't breath.  I feel as though I just want to go to Heaven for just a little while just to see and hold my Joshua.  I say just for a day or couple of days cause I know my little ones need me here.  I think sometimes and pray.."Lord can't you give me this".  Please somehow answer this prayer and make a way. It hurts way to much.  I've experienced that I do fine for a few days or even a week.  Then its as a strong storm crashes me down to the pit of emotional hell.  I know it sounds very unchristian of me.  WHATEVER.... it's real, very real.  The Lord knows and understands the pain I'm feeling.  I don't care what others think.  It's important to know that Christians need to be real.  This is definitely Real.  There are no "Christian comforting words" to a mother that is just simply hurting because of the loss of her child.  Many see me as a STRONG woman....blah blah ....however, at this moment they should see me as I post this.  I'm a wreck!  A complete total wreck to the point of asking myself  "am I going crazy"?  Then I think to myself,  I'd probably be crazy if I didn't have these moments.  I'm a Mother.

I've had people try to give me their comforting speeches which I know they mean well. Then I have those who say "they understand" "they know".....God... that is one thing I can not stand.  Lord forgive me.  I am so tired of the stupid things people say.  I'm just TIRED.  I'm TIRED of being Tired.  People need to understand I know "all those things....he's in a better place...etc....". It sounds bad, but I also wouldn't wish him here again to hurt.  It would be selfish of me. I just want to at least visit once a day with him in Heaven.  CRAZY woman you are probably saying to yourself.  Its hard to understand unless you've seen everything he went through.

So the best time to let everything out is when I'm home alone.  I don't want people thinking I'm crazy.  When you are home all alone you can scream, hit things, and just throw a huge emotional fit. I ran to his room the other day and just searched for his scent.  I even opened up a can of his milk just to smell the milk on me.  As I am doing this I start to think "I still have enough wipes, powder, diapers, even supplies...I go through his supplies to look to see what he has, as if though he was still here with me physically.  I then pray....Lord I still have enough stuff and am not even out yet.  How could he not be here.  It doesn't make any sense.  As though he wasn't suppose to take him yet from me. Then I randomly found his therapy vest and just thanked the Lord cause it smelled exactly like him.  It was so heavenly. 

Oh my God!!!! LORD help me Please.....I just don't know about this horrendous feeling that goes through me like a sharp piercing pain into my soul. JOSHUA JOSHUA JOSHUA my LOVE.  You were and are everything to me.  For four years nothing really mattered as much as you did.  Everything in my life was dedicated around YOU.  Even when things weren't going right around me.  It didn't matter cause I just relyed on you.  At the time it seemed as though you were relying on me for everything that kept you going.  Now as I look back I relyed on you just as much.  I just didn't know it.  JOSHUA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can only yell out your name because I LOVE YOU DEARLY and MISS YOU with ALL of my being.  Then I call and cry out to GOD!!!!!!! LORD HELP ME.......Heal my soul and heart.  LORD......LORD....

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just having "THAT DAY" right now.  Just yesterday I wrote in a friends facebook...."been there to many times. I'm sorry. Now its a totally different feeling for me.  It's hard either way.  Feels like you're broken either way.  Just know we are blessed just to have our angels even when it hurts the most.  We love them with everything we've got forever and ever.  They forever change our lives.  A bond never broken."   I look back and read this and it tears me up. It feels like we are so far apart, but yet it is true that my bond to Joshua no one will ever have. You don't know or understand until you've had such a wonderful and special child.  I love all my children.  They are all wonderfully uniquely made.  However, my Joshua is my Joshua.  Those of you who have a special needs child understand what I'm talking about. It 's like when you take care of your children and they are sick.  You spend all your time with them and give them that one/one.  You hurt when they hurt.....you nurture them.  Joshua since the beginning was sick.  SO he got my one/one for four years of his life.  His life became my priority.  I still made time for everyone else....even then I always was checking in on my Joshua or taking care of "Joshua stuff".....(this makes me smile).  The moment he needed something or I knew he was having issues, it didn't matter where I was or who I was with----I'd leave and go to Joshua. (this makes me laugh)....He was my little man.  If I was upset with someone or about something I'd focus on ....."it's ok....I love you Joshua.....I'll take care of Joshie nothing else matters".

Holidays are approaching  and I really don't feel like I'm in the mood.  I don't want to decorate or do anything.  I feel as though it'd be wrong to celebrate without my baby boy.  I don't know.  The Christmas stuff at the stores and the music always were my highlights.  Now I just get so sad.  It makes me feel empty.  I feel loneliness even though I have my husband and boys.  I'm gonna make myself still put something up at least for my children's sake.  I just don't know if I'm gonna go all out. If we decorate I'm gonna find a way to tie it to a memory of Joshua somehow.  My husband wants to place angel wings at Joshua's window.  I think that will be beautiful.  We'll see.

Thank You Lord for your continual faithfulness in my life.  You continue to be my everything. I am nothing without you.  You sustain me through and through.  Thank you for my gift.....my husband, my kids, and four years with my Joshua.

Missing My Baby

So just when I think I'm doing pretty good....bam...bam.. pow.....hits like a brick right in the gut.  I know I'm okay and will be okay but geez right when I turn into the corner of life it hits you right in the face.  I woke up the other night around 2ish 3ish in the morning.  Had a crappy dream.  Well, I guess it isn't crappy when you aren't in the moment and actually step back to take a real look at it.  I woke myself up crying and with Tony trying to comfort me.  In my dream I had talked to this "person" and decided to give this "person" Joshua because I was just so so tired.  This person was a person somehow related to church.  I then went about my business.  I slept and rested for a  while and when I awoke (in dream) I was frantic and in a horrible panic.  " I gotta get Joshua back!!" Oh My God! What have I done! Running to church to look for this "person" and can't find him.  Yelling I made a mistake, I didn't know what I was doing.  I was just so tired but I'm okay now. Please! I need Joshua. I can't do this without him.  I'll try to get more help or get his nurses back...I NEED JOSHUA!!  I couldn't get him or find him.  He wasn't in reach.  Then I just heard this person, who I never saw the face of, say to me ..."this is for the best".  I then woke up.  I know this is probably a representation of giving him over to the Lord.  Also, as I think about it---it wasn't so much just me being tired but Joshua being more than tired.

We ordered the headstone for his "area" so I think this also makes it very hard right now for us.  I feel it so strong right now.

Today has been also a really tough day.

How are you doing?

  So much has happened and now what?  Where do you go from here? Taking care of  "his area"....check...."water his area"...check....."put together a head stone for Joshie"....almost check......"cut the grass from his area"...check....
(so as you can tell I just call it his area instead of his burial site, cemetery, or "Joshua"....etc...in a way I just think of it as an area we purchased in memory of Josh. It's like we bought a little area for a garden.  I know it's weird but I rather think of it like that than to really think about his body actually being there ---so for now it's just referred to Joshua's area.  No, I'm not in denial. It's just that if I really think about it and make a deep connection to his body being "down there",  I or should I say my earthly mind will want to tell me I need to take him out because how can I let my baby be down there.  It is a mother's instinct to take care of her child and keep the child at sight at all times.  This is where I think my feelings come from.  For me as a mother, if I dwell on the whole process of burial......it makes me want to feel as though I can't breath.  Even though I know he is physically gone, I cannot fathom my baby boy being there. Again, I'm not in denial.  I was told by another mother that lost her child...."maybe it's our coping mechanism the Lord gives us" .....I think maybe it is as Godly Christian mothers.  I say that cause I can totally see where others could lose their minds or seriously shut down.  He is in Heaven and I've got my focus on the Lord.  Thank You Jesus.
As I was saying before, I have this thing now that I or we(tony included) are doing now.  Which is? lol....I guess in a sense taking care of Joshua's Stuff.  However, then what happens from there...who knows.  Well, at least I think everyone else is still moving along with their schedules and activities.  Tony is back at work.  The boys are still doing activities and now back at school.  ME? huh? Well, I don't know.  Like I said before....."taking care of his area"...check...."water his area"....check...."housework"...check...------------Then there is emptiness.

Here I thought I was prepared for life.  Live for the Lord.  Always keep him in your life.  Try to make the right choices.  Make sure you finish school....go to College.  Have a career.  Get married and have a wonderful family.  Okay, so I'm not mentioning all the highs/ lows in which are part of growing up.  My point is that I did all that and then POW!!!! I was a person with a bachelors degree and no job.  Joshua became my priority in living my everyday life (plus my daily family living of course).  He totally consumed me and my everyday rituals.  Now, I'm left dangling in mid air.  What now? I pray cause I have ideas and goals but I feel lost. How can you feel all these things at once.  I feel REALLY Lost.  It almost makes me feel as though I don't have confidence in myself for some reason.  I know I can and am capable of getting things done but I guess it's because now it's time to combine what the Lord has taught me. I know I can do things and I plan on it. I just want to go the right path.  I pray for complete guidance.

Sometimes I feel as though I just don't have enough to do with myself.  Nothing completes me or should I say completes my day.  I know everyone will say..."The Lord"....etc.  However, there is a different feeling that exists that is unexplainable.  Yes, the Lord does heal and is there to fill my void.  It is very evident he is faithful and is my everything.  If it weren't for him I wouldn't be existing right now this very moment.  The heaviness and emptiness comes from a "mothers hurt".  Just like when you pray for your children and you give it all to the Lord.  Then you still call to check on them to make sure to see how things are going.  It's not that you haven't given it to the Lord----you are just being a mother.  Well, that's the best way I can describe it.  I Miss him so much!  That empty feeling feels really heavy inside of me.

The wonderful part of it all is when it becomes unbearable, the Lord makes his presence known.  When it hurts so much that I pour out to the Lord with everything I have to really tell him what I am feeling, he gives me peace. When all that is within me just melts before him and I am just broken at his feet....he sustains me.  There have been times when I go to church and he fills me with joy.  So he is my everything and he does fill me. This is just a process.  I know that this also has a purpose in the Lord's Plan.  I love when our Pastor Don Leavell quotes Psalms 23 and says "you walk THROUGH the valley".  The Lord walks you through many valleys.  He never said you wouldn't go through them.  However, he is there walking you through them.  "Thou art with me".
Awesome! Isn't it great when God's word comes alive....Right in your face...lol.

Keep me in your prayers.
   

To My Dear Precious Son

This is the letter I wrote and read at Joshie's service.


My Dear Precious Baby Boy Joshie,

      As I sit here in your room, I can't even begin to understand the idea of not holding you again. You are so Loved. I'm not sure how to feel at this moment. I feel so relieved that you don't hurt anymore, but my heart aches and longs for you. I don't know if I can bear not having you with me or not having you here to care for. All I've known for four years is to take care of you, make sure doctor appointments were set, nurses & doctors understood you well, and most of all Love you so. You are so Loved.
     From the beginning, you were full of surprises for mommy and daddy. I remember the day you were born. It was scary for mommy in the ER, not knowing what was going to happen to us, but most importantly to you. I prayed the entire time, "Lord protect my baby, protect my baby, protect my baby." The doctor said 5 more minutes and we both would've gone to Heaven. That wasn't God's plan though. His plan was bigger than I could've even imagined. You are so Loved.
     I'll never forget the time you were about 11/2 week old and they told mommy and daddy we'd have a family meeting the next day to remove your support. I prayed so boldly over you that day and the Lord answered prayer the same day. The Lord's plan was Great. The whole time everyone said, you were not responsive, I knew it was because you were to busy playing with the angels and holding God's hand. The Lord saw what a huge impact you'd make and knew it before he sent you into my womb.
     Oh my, I remember all those different people, pastors, strangers, friends, family, family of family, and friends of friends. You name it...people joined together to pray for you. It didn't even matter what religion or what church they belonged to. You were God's instrument to show, One Mighty God, we all from the same family. Slowly you'd give daddy and I signs. Signs like the little twitch of a foot or curl of a finger. Oh my! what an awesome feeling to see you do these things that seemed so small, but yet mighty miracles in our eyes.
     You taught us how to appreciate life. You showed us how some of the stress of this world is not so important. Through the Lord you taught us to be more compassionate for others. It is amazing how every person you touched was touched in different ways. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, neighbors, and strangers----they all loved you so. You are so loved.
     As you grew through these four years, so did we. The road wasn't easy, but the journey was God's plan. What a strong little mighty warrior you are. The Lord has used you in a such a powerful way. Joshua Josiah Vidal----Joshua meaning God is my Salvation----Josiah meaning God supports/Jehovah heals-------Vidal meaning full of life. This is why we chose your name, Perfectly designed and destined by God Almighty. We never imagined how far and wide you'd travel to touch the hearts of many. Your name written in Jerusalem's wailing wall twice by people you hadn't even met yet. People praying for you in Japan, and throughout different parts of the world. WOW Joshie, through the Lord you were so amazing!
     People became better people. Nurses became better nurses. You taught them so so much. I often heard from nurses; saying that after caring for you they were able to do much much more at the hospitals. You trained many and kept us on our toes....that's for sure. What an angel you are. Mommy and daddy love you so. Your brothers love you and miss you dearly. I remember how you loved to listen to their voices and hear them getting silly wrestling around. You brought them many smiles. Our hearts hurt, but we know we will see you again. You are so loved.  I'm missing how I'd bounce you and roughen you up. You loved every single moment. I miss how you'd get hyper sometimes and swing your legs back & forth. I'm missing the hugs and kisses we'd share. The smell of your breath as I'd put my face near your angelic little face. The way I'd hug you tight as I gave you endless kisses. Your beautiful eyes and the way you'd speak to us through them. Your beautiful silky thick hair everyone loved to touch. Oh, and that sweet sweet face. It hurts so much to not feel your warmth. The way you'd get upset and throw your little fits by getting so stiff cause you wanted what "you" wanted.
     You had a hard time with this earthly body, but you sure were smart. You taught me how to read your little "wants" and needs. You are so loved. Mommy, daddy, and brothers will be okay. We know how hard it was for you here. We love you so. So many times I thought I was ready to let your spirit leave this earth so you could finally rest, but you knew it was when our father in Heaven said "your angelic mission was complete". From the very beginning of your birth to the time you left this Earth, you have changed people's lives. Our father in Heaven's Mighty Plan.
     Rest now my precious baby Joshie from all you have done. Now in Heaven your party has just begun. When I said to you in the ER, "what do you want baby...what do you need?" "Are you ready to go with Jesus" "Whatever you want..it's okay go with the angels...go with Jesus." As I felt your little spirit leave, you showed me once again, what you needed and wanted. Thank you for helping mommy and daddy know.
You now have returned to holding the Lord's hand once again, and playing with the angels. I see you dancing, worshipping, and praising. I know you are in such glorious surroundings. Have fun my baby Joshie. Say hi to everyone for us. I love you so so much my wonderful, strong, beautiful, angelic, miracle baby Joshie. You are so Loved. I am very Proud of you my love.

I can't wait till we see you again.

                                                                            Love,
                                                                            Mommy and Daddy Forever

Missing my Joshie........(included prayer I wrote and read at prayer service)

I've been asked if I could post the prayer I wrote and read at Joshie's prayer service. I decided to post it here on his blog. This prayer was written for his 1st birthday. He spent his first birthday at the hospital and when he was finally discharged we had a huge birthday party for him. I recall coming out of the hospital and phone calls being made immediately notifying of an emergency birthday party. The following day everyone showed up! It was great to see how much love Joshua was surrounded by. He continues to be surrounded with Love, but now he is face to face with the one who gave/gives his greatest Love. Thank you Jesus.

I Love you so so much Josh and I miss you dearly. I miss you and long to hold you in my arms. It hurts so deep in me as though the sorrow shoots from my stomach, to my heart, and pours throughout. When I cry for you, the tears come from deep within me. It seems as the days go by, my sadness deepens. I've been told repeatedly he's in a better place....I know he is and truly believe it. However, I am still "mommy" and crave my child's warmth in my arms. I wish i could see you and just touch your hair or just a little finger. When the pain seems so strong that I cannot handle it....I think about all the hard times you endured. This gives me the peace I need for those moments. It reminds me that my baby boy is no longer having to go through all the hurt anymore. You are no longer hurting anymore. Love you my strong Joshie. Forever and Always....kisses and hugs

Here is the prayer I wrote and read:

BEING THANKFUL
Lord,
Many will not understand the way it feels to be thankful.... for the moment you can finally take a deep breath and feel the relief of finally getting to hold your baby after seeing him lay there, day in and out----hooked up to machines, being poked, tested, and pumped full of drugs.

The relief of feeling him in your arms, but yet feeling sadness that you can't hold him even closer.

NOt many will understand the way it feels to be so thankful to hear---- he had a bowel movement and is now urinating-----what a blessing to our ears!

OH! to be thankful for every breath that you see him take....So, So, thankful!

Many people do not understand and ask "why do these people smile just for a tiny little cough they hear", "a little twitch of the nose", "a little finger that curls", or even "a little curl of this tiny foot."

OH! what it means to be thankful.

To be thankful to hear him cry after praying day after day, that one day you will hear his voice. THANK YOU, OH THANK YOU!

Not many will understand the way it feels to be so thankful to see your baby take a complete swallow and for it to actually bring tears to your eyes because you know it's a blessing from above.

Not many will know the feeling of being thankful just because your baby has gained one little pound. What an accomplishment!

Even through many difficult moments of feeling exhausted and drained physically, mentally, and spiritually....I am truly thankful.

I cannot express how thankful I am for the miracles I see before me.

For they may not understand what it means to be waiting for what seems so small, but yet so miraculous of a miracle that the Lord has in store.

For many will not understand but I pray that they do know how truly blessed they are. AMEN



Count your blessings and treasure every miracle in you life. The Lord is great and our miracle JOSHUA is proof.
Many times I ask why and I only have little glimpses but yet don't fully understand why....but one thing I do know is... I am truly thankful for my little angel Joshua.
Love,
Mommy

Heaven

Joshua went to heaven on Thursday, July 21, 2011. I may or may not post later. I will do my best to post pictures when I can. So many things to do right now. I miss my lil baby so much already. I feel lost without him. I know he doesnt hurt anymore. The Lord is my strength and my guide.