How are you doing?

  So much has happened and now what?  Where do you go from here? Taking care of  "his area"....check...."water his area"...check....."put together a head stone for Joshie"....almost check......"cut the grass from his area"...check....
(so as you can tell I just call it his area instead of his burial site, cemetery, or "Joshua"....etc...in a way I just think of it as an area we purchased in memory of Josh. It's like we bought a little area for a garden.  I know it's weird but I rather think of it like that than to really think about his body actually being there ---so for now it's just referred to Joshua's area.  No, I'm not in denial. It's just that if I really think about it and make a deep connection to his body being "down there",  I or should I say my earthly mind will want to tell me I need to take him out because how can I let my baby be down there.  It is a mother's instinct to take care of her child and keep the child at sight at all times.  This is where I think my feelings come from.  For me as a mother, if I dwell on the whole process of burial......it makes me want to feel as though I can't breath.  Even though I know he is physically gone, I cannot fathom my baby boy being there. Again, I'm not in denial.  I was told by another mother that lost her child...."maybe it's our coping mechanism the Lord gives us" .....I think maybe it is as Godly Christian mothers.  I say that cause I can totally see where others could lose their minds or seriously shut down.  He is in Heaven and I've got my focus on the Lord.  Thank You Jesus.
As I was saying before, I have this thing now that I or we(tony included) are doing now.  Which is? lol....I guess in a sense taking care of Joshua's Stuff.  However, then what happens from there...who knows.  Well, at least I think everyone else is still moving along with their schedules and activities.  Tony is back at work.  The boys are still doing activities and now back at school.  ME? huh? Well, I don't know.  Like I said before....."taking care of his area"...check...."water his area"....check...."housework"...check...------------Then there is emptiness.

Here I thought I was prepared for life.  Live for the Lord.  Always keep him in your life.  Try to make the right choices.  Make sure you finish school....go to College.  Have a career.  Get married and have a wonderful family.  Okay, so I'm not mentioning all the highs/ lows in which are part of growing up.  My point is that I did all that and then POW!!!! I was a person with a bachelors degree and no job.  Joshua became my priority in living my everyday life (plus my daily family living of course).  He totally consumed me and my everyday rituals.  Now, I'm left dangling in mid air.  What now? I pray cause I have ideas and goals but I feel lost. How can you feel all these things at once.  I feel REALLY Lost.  It almost makes me feel as though I don't have confidence in myself for some reason.  I know I can and am capable of getting things done but I guess it's because now it's time to combine what the Lord has taught me. I know I can do things and I plan on it. I just want to go the right path.  I pray for complete guidance.

Sometimes I feel as though I just don't have enough to do with myself.  Nothing completes me or should I say completes my day.  I know everyone will say..."The Lord"....etc.  However, there is a different feeling that exists that is unexplainable.  Yes, the Lord does heal and is there to fill my void.  It is very evident he is faithful and is my everything.  If it weren't for him I wouldn't be existing right now this very moment.  The heaviness and emptiness comes from a "mothers hurt".  Just like when you pray for your children and you give it all to the Lord.  Then you still call to check on them to make sure to see how things are going.  It's not that you haven't given it to the Lord----you are just being a mother.  Well, that's the best way I can describe it.  I Miss him so much!  That empty feeling feels really heavy inside of me.

The wonderful part of it all is when it becomes unbearable, the Lord makes his presence known.  When it hurts so much that I pour out to the Lord with everything I have to really tell him what I am feeling, he gives me peace. When all that is within me just melts before him and I am just broken at his feet....he sustains me.  There have been times when I go to church and he fills me with joy.  So he is my everything and he does fill me. This is just a process.  I know that this also has a purpose in the Lord's Plan.  I love when our Pastor Don Leavell quotes Psalms 23 and says "you walk THROUGH the valley".  The Lord walks you through many valleys.  He never said you wouldn't go through them.  However, he is there walking you through them.  "Thou art with me".
Awesome! Isn't it great when God's word comes alive....Right in your face...lol.

Keep me in your prayers.
   

To My Dear Precious Son

This is the letter I wrote and read at Joshie's service.


My Dear Precious Baby Boy Joshie,

      As I sit here in your room, I can't even begin to understand the idea of not holding you again. You are so Loved. I'm not sure how to feel at this moment. I feel so relieved that you don't hurt anymore, but my heart aches and longs for you. I don't know if I can bear not having you with me or not having you here to care for. All I've known for four years is to take care of you, make sure doctor appointments were set, nurses & doctors understood you well, and most of all Love you so. You are so Loved.
     From the beginning, you were full of surprises for mommy and daddy. I remember the day you were born. It was scary for mommy in the ER, not knowing what was going to happen to us, but most importantly to you. I prayed the entire time, "Lord protect my baby, protect my baby, protect my baby." The doctor said 5 more minutes and we both would've gone to Heaven. That wasn't God's plan though. His plan was bigger than I could've even imagined. You are so Loved.
     I'll never forget the time you were about 11/2 week old and they told mommy and daddy we'd have a family meeting the next day to remove your support. I prayed so boldly over you that day and the Lord answered prayer the same day. The Lord's plan was Great. The whole time everyone said, you were not responsive, I knew it was because you were to busy playing with the angels and holding God's hand. The Lord saw what a huge impact you'd make and knew it before he sent you into my womb.
     Oh my, I remember all those different people, pastors, strangers, friends, family, family of family, and friends of friends. You name it...people joined together to pray for you. It didn't even matter what religion or what church they belonged to. You were God's instrument to show, One Mighty God, we all from the same family. Slowly you'd give daddy and I signs. Signs like the little twitch of a foot or curl of a finger. Oh my! what an awesome feeling to see you do these things that seemed so small, but yet mighty miracles in our eyes.
     You taught us how to appreciate life. You showed us how some of the stress of this world is not so important. Through the Lord you taught us to be more compassionate for others. It is amazing how every person you touched was touched in different ways. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, neighbors, and strangers----they all loved you so. You are so loved.
     As you grew through these four years, so did we. The road wasn't easy, but the journey was God's plan. What a strong little mighty warrior you are. The Lord has used you in a such a powerful way. Joshua Josiah Vidal----Joshua meaning God is my Salvation----Josiah meaning God supports/Jehovah heals-------Vidal meaning full of life. This is why we chose your name, Perfectly designed and destined by God Almighty. We never imagined how far and wide you'd travel to touch the hearts of many. Your name written in Jerusalem's wailing wall twice by people you hadn't even met yet. People praying for you in Japan, and throughout different parts of the world. WOW Joshie, through the Lord you were so amazing!
     People became better people. Nurses became better nurses. You taught them so so much. I often heard from nurses; saying that after caring for you they were able to do much much more at the hospitals. You trained many and kept us on our toes....that's for sure. What an angel you are. Mommy and daddy love you so. Your brothers love you and miss you dearly. I remember how you loved to listen to their voices and hear them getting silly wrestling around. You brought them many smiles. Our hearts hurt, but we know we will see you again. You are so loved.  I'm missing how I'd bounce you and roughen you up. You loved every single moment. I miss how you'd get hyper sometimes and swing your legs back & forth. I'm missing the hugs and kisses we'd share. The smell of your breath as I'd put my face near your angelic little face. The way I'd hug you tight as I gave you endless kisses. Your beautiful eyes and the way you'd speak to us through them. Your beautiful silky thick hair everyone loved to touch. Oh, and that sweet sweet face. It hurts so much to not feel your warmth. The way you'd get upset and throw your little fits by getting so stiff cause you wanted what "you" wanted.
     You had a hard time with this earthly body, but you sure were smart. You taught me how to read your little "wants" and needs. You are so loved. Mommy, daddy, and brothers will be okay. We know how hard it was for you here. We love you so. So many times I thought I was ready to let your spirit leave this earth so you could finally rest, but you knew it was when our father in Heaven said "your angelic mission was complete". From the very beginning of your birth to the time you left this Earth, you have changed people's lives. Our father in Heaven's Mighty Plan.
     Rest now my precious baby Joshie from all you have done. Now in Heaven your party has just begun. When I said to you in the ER, "what do you want baby...what do you need?" "Are you ready to go with Jesus" "Whatever you want..it's okay go with the angels...go with Jesus." As I felt your little spirit leave, you showed me once again, what you needed and wanted. Thank you for helping mommy and daddy know.
You now have returned to holding the Lord's hand once again, and playing with the angels. I see you dancing, worshipping, and praising. I know you are in such glorious surroundings. Have fun my baby Joshie. Say hi to everyone for us. I love you so so much my wonderful, strong, beautiful, angelic, miracle baby Joshie. You are so Loved. I am very Proud of you my love.

I can't wait till we see you again.

                                                                            Love,
                                                                            Mommy and Daddy Forever

Heaven

Joshua went to heaven on Thursday, July 21, 2011. I may or may not post later. I will do my best to post pictures when I can. So many things to do right now. I miss my lil baby so much already. I feel lost without him. I know he doesnt hurt anymore. The Lord is my strength and my guide.

Hernia Hernia Go Away!

WEll when he was in ICU they discovered he had again another hernia (from all the gagging). The only thing to do is surgery again but he is to much of a high risk to go under right now. We finally got him stable! However, he threw up twice last thursday. He also has been having more food in his tummy than usual. So this means at times he is not digesting everything because of the hernia (food is shifting everywhere). It is not a constant thing yet so not gonna go into worry mode yet. I really don't think we will do surgery unless he really isn't digesting 1/2 of his usual intake. This will then be a major problem. Pedi doesn't think he will get through surgery if he does go under. So yes we traded one problem for another in the mean time. Another thing that can also affect him is throwing up and aspriating on it (going into lungs). It's like one BIG CYCLE. We are going to see the surgeon in Aug. to discuss what we basically already know (haha).

On a good note.....he will be turning 3 years old on June 25!!! He has gone through so much in 3 years....gosh my baby boy is a super human baby. Thank you Lord for these blessed (although tough at many times) years of having time with my precious lil guy. I think about all the kisses, hugs, half smiles, and unspoken communication he shows us with those beautiful eyes. He is our angel. Thank you Lord for Joshua.

cruise control

so we've been seeing the pediatrican every week so he can keep track and monitor him. The last thing he said to us was we were on cruise control. In this he means he isn't getting better and isn't getting worse. However the last couple of days we managed to take him off oxygen and the cpap (blows air to keep his airway opened). He actually only uses the cpap while asleep. He is such a fighter...Joshua is superbaby for sure. So he actually looks better!!!! Will post later, it's Isaac's b-day today so we are off to celebrate (6yrs). Thank you for all your prayers. Just continue to pray for God's will...that is the only thing I pray for. Thank you again.

Sleep Baby Sleep

Well I really don't have a lot of time to post a whole lot right now. Joshua is still sick. He is currently on 3liters of oxygen and throughout the day on the cpap (looks like an oxygen mask but blows air to keep airway opened when he is having a hard time). We are doing treatments and doing everything like we usually do except we aren't on antibiotics. He has already tried 3-4 different ones and nothing really helped. So now we just wait and give him time. Hopefully that left side opens up and he clears up more. Right now he is needing lots of suctioning and constant monitoring. He does look more relaxed at home and rests more. He sleeps on and off throughout the day. So basically the key phrase I hear a lot from the doctors is "unfortunately we don't have a crystal ball" so Joshua can get better slowly or worse slowly. Well, at this point I'm just taking it day by day. I thank God for every day he gives me with him....whether it is days, months, or many years. However and whatever goes on I know the Lord knows best. This is what I am trusting and believing. My prayer is for Joshua to be happy and not suffer. Everything else will be taken care of by my Father in Heaven. So for now I am just letting him sleep all he wants cause he really needs to rest. Staying in the hospital for long periods of time really is draining. I know I haven't caught by yet and I'm not the one getting treatments and suctioned constantly....I can't imagine how tired he must feel.

Those of you who have been praying for us I thank you. I pray for strength, peace, and his Will. Another quick thing I want to address. Sometimes I think people want to be their for us, do something for us, or even say something to us. However, it is hard to figure out "what". I just want to say it's ok. Please don't concentrate on these things because sometimes these things aren't even the most important things that need to be done. The most important thing to us is to know you are there. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen. A recent thing I shared with a friend was telling them we are really not looking or waiting for the magical comforting word/words of wisdom. I think when people focus so much on these things it takes over and then all you have is avoidence. When it gets to hard for people they tend to just avoid the situation. In this case, I understand it is hard for some to see my little guy sick. Just having someone be there is the best thing.

As far as pictures I will have to post later.

Terrible Two?? Wonderful Two!!

Well, his birthday is coming up. We have noticed he is very vocal now and cries when he is not HAPPY. It is really cute to see him with his little tantrums. It always makes me smile to see him cry unless of course it is cause of a seizure or something hurting him. He also had his first dental appointment. He totally hated it of course. He put up a fight---way cute though. Funny how the little things are appreciated. Heatlh wise, he is doing ok right now. I'm not really happy about his seizures but he is not as bad as he has been in the past. He is now putting up a fight at night giving us a hard time when we put the cpap machine on him--little stinker.
These last couple of days he has been smiling a lot, especially late evenings. He hadn't really been smiling I guess because he wasn't doing so well with all that was going on with him.
I sit him up against the sofa and he loves it. He looks around and is so peaceful. Usually when he smiles it is at random times. However, two days ago he was actually responding to me. For at least five to ten minutes while playing with him (kissing his hand, talking to him, shaking his arm, and lightly rubbing his cheek)he was actually smiling and teasing me by turning his head towards me and away from me. I was so emotional just knowing that my baby was actually playing with me. It was such a GREAT feeling. At one point I got so emotional that he heard me and thought I was playing with him so he smiled even more. As I laughed and cried his smile seem to widen even bigger. SO So cute. It was the best feeling in the world. I just pray for more of those moments with him. It's crazy cause the day before I had just visited a friend who has a baby under the age of 1yr and it was hard seeing his interaction with others. I tried to get over it and was actually playing with the baby for a while and was making him laugh. It lasted for a while until I knew I "hit my limit". Then the next day the Lord gave me this little miracle. A little bitter sweet though. I pray this is just the beginning... another step

Outta There!!!!!!!!!!!

Joshua and I are at home!!! We are so happy to be back home. He was just discharged this afternoon. He is doing better and is still not getting fed as much as before. They will increase the volume in about two weeks. His infantile spasms also have decreased since starting a new medicine. The ones he is having now are very mild. So....now I have to get use to the new medicines he came home with. I hate having to give him so many!! His Neurologist wants to try to get him off of some of them, but she wants to give him time to recover from the surgery. We will see how that goes.

I made a correction on my last entry. The car wash is going to be on Doderidge and Staples. Just an FYI.

Keep praying for us, I pray this is only the beginning of what God has in store for Joshua. I know this is just merely a baby step towards Joshua's healing. I also would like to lift up in prayer Joshua's little friend Giuli. Please pray for the Lord's healing hand to be upon them. They have gone through so much already. I also want to pray for Giuli's parents. Lord give them strength in this very difficult time.